I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
