You're completely useless in the revolution.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
