i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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