She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
