her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
how drunk are you?
Several
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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