I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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