i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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