The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
