You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm really busy with my period
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