I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
