he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
