he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
