Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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