i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
