I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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