I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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