That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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