It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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