there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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