i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
