I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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