there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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