Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
