the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
only you would photoshop your dick
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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