we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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