Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My hand turned me down
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
