you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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