I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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