dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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