I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
