my phone needs a breathalizer
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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