I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
