I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
