i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh god it's open bar.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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