I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
