I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
