hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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