Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
