my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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