I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
