I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
