I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
