Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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