I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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