Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
high people should be assigned attendants
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
