And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
