guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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