There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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