TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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