I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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