So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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