Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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